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the weird part


well… it’s over… it’s kinda weird… ending on a note.. that i had no control over… typically i end things when i want to… i like to do it that way so i can end on a high note… this time… i just have to pretend it’s a high note… i have to look at it as an opportunity… a new beginning… a kick in the ass… it’s a wake up!! and do something asshole… why are you so easily beat down by the system… i know i have the world on the tip of my finger.. but its hard to point at one specific place when you have big finger tips… it’s like playing that spin the globe game… “when i grow up, i am going to live… here” game… but the globe is now real.. and my options are limitless… so what’s the problem… why does it feel like i am stuck… stuck in idle… i have a building anger… a tension inside of me… that is coming out.. i just need to focus this anger on something very specific… and something i feel confident that i can achieve… these goals of mine… need to not be at the mercy of others… they need to utilize the freedoms i have… and need to happen as a direct result of my actions… it would be nice… to score something good… from someone else… but when you set personal goals… you can’t depend on others… unless you are willing to become ‘fake’ or ‘suck up’… today was my last day… and today i feel fine… i am just curious how i am going to feel tomorrow… when my alarm goes off at 8 am… and i hit snooze for six and a half hours… and then finally roll outta bed, kuz i have to take a leak… tomorrow i am allowing a write off day… maybe even this whole week… but now is the time to make some drastic changes… i just wish my part time weekend job didn’t exist… kuz i already know it’s going to give me an excuse to do nothing… and then there is writing the lsat.. which is a good goal.. but the problem is… getting into a law school is at the mercy of others.. and something like that cannot be a main goal now.. kuz raising my gpa is simply not an option right now…

the weird part is.. deep inside.. i am still not worried… i am not nervous… i am not worried… it’s my ‘i dunno’… that is forcing myself to get upset about this… i dunno it’s weird… kuz when i sit still and open my eyes for a second… i know that i can do what ever i want… i can accomplish whatever i want… all that matters is that i am happy doing whatever i am doing… now… that’s the tricky part.. what makes me happy?? damn… that one i’ll figure out later.

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