So umm, I am having some massive mood swings today, not really sure what is causing them. I think it’s just because I am bored, restless, anxious, and, every other adjective you can think of, that is resulting in outbreaks of happiness, anger, disappointment, and excitement. I am jumping from extreme-to-extreme within a matter of seconds, even right now, writing this, I have experienced all these feelings. I wonder what I can do to centre myself, and bring myself back to a stable state… I do need to go grocery shopping, but I don’t really feel like it though, which is strange since it is normally an activity that I immensely enjoy. There is just something about pushing a cart around at extremely high speeds, maneuvering it through dense, slow-paced traffic that excites me. If that game show ‘supermarket sweep’ were still around, it would be great; I’d go on and win for sure! Anyway, I think I am almost ready to go shopping. Writing this blog by attempting to create coherent statements has really permitted my brain to restore its “stable” state. Peace out for now.
I am at loss for words to share, even descriptions of daily events seem difficult to recite, but I do know something; I am ready. I am ready to make the jump… shit, I’d do it right now… cut loose, and enjoy the voyage into the unknown. But now it is time to finish tying up loose ends, establish some kind of floating foundation, and then make the leap into my future.
Lost and without purpose on the fringe of a broken track. However, it seems the track is not broken but rather incomplete. It appears that there is some kind of impediment in the way, and regardless of all the planning, this outcome was inevitable. Actually, the problem lies in the fact that the obstacle was purposely avoided during the planning and this primarily occurred since the obstruction could not be accurately forecasted. And now, as a result of this ignorance, the barrier has become larger than ever. What to do? What to do?
I can’t do it… the ad’s haven’t even been on here for a day, and I have decided to remove them. I realized how illogical it is to voluntarily have ads on my own private site. The ads are gone, sorry for selling out there for a minute.
It is kind of a contradiction with what velkr0.org is supposed to encourage and support. It is actually pretty cheesy, seeing what ads are generated based on ‘target’ words found within my writings, but you see I didn’t do it for the money. I have incorporated google ads into the secondary pages of velkr0.org for the purpose of education and for the experience. I needed to use a site that generates sufficient traffic (thank you all), and a site that has content that is constantly changing. The ads really do provide a dirty feeling, like seeing ads for pest control and spider traps under my last post ‘spider webs‘. Fuck what have I done!! I hate the ‘Advertising Supplements’ found in many of the magazines that I subscribe to, and now, I have included one of my own… hmmm… We’ll give it a try for a bit… feel free to bitch me out. But hey.. what if I donate 100% of the revenue generated to some good cause, I wonder if that would me/it less dirty… hmmmm
The spider webs have nearly annexed every corner of the room. They have connected every deviation and linked the secluded fragments of the room with a mesh of idleness. This produces an almost eerie feeling; the fact that a human routine typically cannot hinder the web. They go untouched, undisturbed, and are usually unnoticed. This mesh resides in life, existing in parallel, resistant to the human effects, and immune to the dilemmas that we all endure. Yet, the spider web has its purpose; it maintains its goal and captures the insects needed for the spiders’ survival; unless someone walks through one, seeing as they immediately become compelled to peel the silk from their face.
The dust has accumulated for so long. It has now merged with the surface of object beneath it. It is no longer these fluffy, weightless particles that reflect in the sun. It has become this gummy substance, a coating of filth that requires great strength to be removed. It smears during attempts to eliminate it; fighting to remain in its claimed place. The dust becomes angry, and you know it. You know the dust will return, no matter what you do. The power the dust cannot be defeated. It has control over you, your life and your belongings. It is a constant chore that you are unable to escape. Appropriate amounts of attention must persistently be granted to the dust. It is needy, annoying and frustrating. The dust has managed to coerce itself upon you. This realization irritates you, and you wonder how the dust can so easily disregard your lack of will and consent for this relationship. The fury builds up in you. You don’t want to believe it, you don’t want to let the dust win, but you soon understand that you don’t have an option. You must accept the dust, welcome it, enjoy it, love it or constantly live in battle, trying to conquer its supremacy.
I wonder what everyone else is doing right now. I wonder if people realize what they are doing. I wonder if they wonder what other people are doing. I wonder if I am the only person in the world who has the time to wonder if other people are wondering what they are doing, wonder if other people realize what they are doing and wonder if they are the only person in the world wondering if other people are wondering what other people are doing. I wonder.
Walking around, lost, looking back and forth, wondering where you are, where you have been, and how you have gotten here. It’s extremely bright out, the sun is reflecting off of the snow that surrounds you. You don’t understand… you are confused… you don’t know who you are… you have a feeling that you are being chased, that you are in hiding, trying to conceal your flaws… you now realize that it’s cold out, you are slivering, hungry, and moments away from death… you are strong though, you have gone been through worse… you’re eyes are now used to the brightness, you are becoming aware of the surroundings, but you still don’t want to be here… fury strikes you, you don’t want to run anymore, you need to become static… you need to become warm… you require these things.. and then you will…