so today, i suddenly obtained this burst of energy. i got a haircut (finally), made some lasagne, did all my laundry, cleaned my room, obtained a bit more furniture, finished a report for work, did some web site updates, made some phone calls and the list goes on. so overall today was quite productive… i even tried out my new electric shaver… which i have been reluctant to use out of fear… and guess what.. my apprehension was not unfounded… it just chewed the shit out of my neck.. so i don’t know if i’ll use it again and if there is even actually an advantage to use it… i know your skin takes some time to get used to it.. but i don’t know if it is quicker/easier or not.. so i dunno.
whoa, it feel like a long time since i have blogged. ever since i attended the northern voice bloggers conference, i feel this weird uneasiness when it comes to blogging. it seems that this day dedicated to blogging produced feelings of FUD around me and my blog. well this FUD has to stop. my thoughts, my feelings, and my opinions will live here – without the need to second-guess myself or live up to some stupid ‘suggested principals’ and/or obey by some precautionary measures…. fuck that. my blog has to be real.. and yes.. this could hinder some possibilities in life, but at least it will be me. i hate to say it, but it is kinda like a tattoo that is purposely put somewhere that cannot be concealed. it tells the world that you are who you are (and no matter how stupid i think tattoos are, in this analogy having a tattoo is quite brave and honourable). both a tattoo and a blog are public and ‘permanent’ means to express yourself… both could be considered art and both are part of you. now… a blog is more useful than a tattoo… well for me at least… since it actually provides me (and possibly others) with some benefit, whereas a tattoo seems to be only useful in itself and what society and individuals deem a tattoo to mean. so.. i guess i am trying to say… that as long as i don’t blog for sheer google juice, to strictly generate revenue or to simply align myself up with some trend… then i will take the risk, continue to blog and share my path in life without fear. (phew, thank god for pseudonyms :P)
velkr0.org is now running WordPress 1.5… which was easy as pie to upgrade.. but it will take me some time to customize it back to how i like it… so do expect some changes over the next day or so and even possibly some downtime. WP 1.5 offers a bunch of new features… and i hope it will be a good experience for all…
i’m still alive, i’ve just been extremely busy and now tired. i have plenty to write about, like northern voice, jason’s visit, me, etc… but i think i am going to enjoy the next hour and watch some mindless entertainment.
it was a time when it was all so new, all so unknown, and all so exciting. at the time it felt like i knew it all, i believed, i had hopes, expectations, and being right there, i lived it and it was perfect. now, for something to feel real or right or whatever, i compare it to the past events. my history is just full of benchmarks and now it feels like all that can be, once was. it’s sad.. because my future aspirations are to feel how i once did… i want to re-experience things that will make me feel good… but i can’t. i can’t do it.. and i don’t know why… where did the butterflies go?!? and where did all this self-doubt come from!??! wtf is wrong with me?!!? meh…
whenever i am bored, i find myself reaching out to consume something. i either find myself windows shopping online or getting the urge to go out to a physical store. it is like buying something will gobble up my idle time and connect me with the rest of the world. even if i go to the mall, it’s not like it will be a social outing; i will just walk around mindlessly and probably actually only buy something in the food court. so today i cleaned instead. sure, it really wasn’t any fun, but it needed to be done. i still want to go out and buy something though. some kind of toy that will merely entertain me – i just don’t know what to buy since i have everything that i actually need. maybe i should just go walk around the city, but i know i will just end up at a starbucks, and spend four bucks on some kind of latte, so.. i dunno. **time passes as i take a shower** so now i am clean too, and what to do? i need some friends man!! i am definitely going through friend withdrawal. shit, i don’t even know if i remember how to make friends (that are not from work, or my friends’ friends); it’s been so long since a real friendship has developed purely out of coincidence. i guess i haven’t needed to know, since my circle of friends was such a mixture of interrelated friendships. there was a time that i liked to think that it was me, that connected everyone and that enabled many of the friendships to occur. but now i know it may be true for some, but more realistically it was due to the collective effort of everyone. so i sit here alone in my room, with a big city moving around outside and i wait. i wait for something to happen… something to either motivate me, that will put me in a situation where a friendship will ignite or something that will take my mind off of the situation. i know it won’t happen in my room, but i know if i go out in public i will just fade into the background and involuntarily become drawn away.
so i think i have figured it out: it’s all about character development, viewer connection and profits. when you can relate to a specific group of characters, you become united with them and actualize a constant sense of curiosity. this drives you to engage directly with them as if they are actually providing you with a valuable surrogate life. the ability to get lost in the moment is sustained through the sheer entertainment it provides. it seems that you can’t wait until the next week, when you will find out what happens in the story of your alternate life that just happens to be decided without any action from you. all the events that occur are predetermined based on what is estimated to generate the most revenue. you feel cheated when you think that this may be true. you want to believe that the characters are real, and that they somehow represent you. its has to be about more than money; this is your life, your friends and your journey or maybe it’s just a television show.
I have had furniture for nearly a month now, but i still don’t have a cozy spot to sit. I am puzzled how to create one, while still maintaining the practical use of all the furniture i have. My bed is pretty cozy but i want to sit in the living room… hmm… all very frustrating when all i want to do is sit back, reflect on my day and enjoying some fine imported wine.