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it was a time when it was all so new, all so unknown, and all so exciting. at the time it felt like i knew it all, i believed, i had hopes, expectations, and being right there, i lived it and it was perfect. now, for something to feel real or right or whatever, i compare it to the past events. my history is just full of benchmarks and now it feels like all that can be, once was. it’s sad.. because my future aspirations are to feel how i once did… i want to re-experience things that will make me feel good… but i can’t. i can’t do it.. and i don’t know why… where did the butterflies go?!? and where did all this self-doubt come from!??! wtf is wrong with me?!!? meh…



Wing Dreamer

..butterflies come from excitement and also from uncertainty like change…not having the safety haven of the familiar. ..to try and re-live what once brought happiness is a process that a person goes through when not connected to that which brought happiness in the first place…
..take it slow and easy by getting to know the part of you that is now searching for new found happiness…you have accomplished much in such a short time…it’s only been a little over 3 months…the rest of you has to “catch up”. To be connected or bonded in some way with something comfortable and safe increases one’s self confidence…it’s weird…it happens at all age.
… Your lifestyle back here and the continuity of your friends and family have been removed ..by thousands of miles. It is normal to feel self doubt (under those circumstances) -it comes and goes, like the ebb and flow of the tides….You are human and besides you should be proud of yourself – it takes courage to do what you did. When you have these “tough” moments …..and that’s what they are -you are having pangs of being homesick and that too is normal.
….settling into one’s current lifestyle takes time but it does happen with time. New job, new way of transportation, new apartment, new boss, new co-workers, new potential friendships, new bills, new furniture, new stores, new province, -….all that will become old and familiar and will be “the past” when you enter another new stage in your life. HAHA that’s why old people aways talk about their past…..cause they have lots to compare it to. You are in the “budding stage”.

2005.02.12 20:19

Wing Dreamer

P.S. Enough of my psycho-babbling. Speaking to you as a friend, things always look better when the bottle of wine is empty. Get hammered!

2005.02.12 20:35

i would still feel this way if i was back east, probably worse actually. kuz i would feel stuck there… trying to re-visit the same things but without experiencing anything new at all. the feelings i have today are totally independent of my location.

but still some good advice ;)

2005.02.12 20:36

“i canít do it.. and i donít know whyÖ where did the butterflies go?!?”

that’s too bad. so was the party not a big enough adventure? we will need to think of something more drastic. /ponder

have you read hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises”? everyone in the book gets drunk to avoid facing themselves in the morning. the only time they’re ever steady is when they’re wasted.

sometimes I wonder if you and I are heading in that direction. I was telling my friend about you, and I said that we (me and you) both needed an adventure because we’re … bored.

but then when I think more about it, it’s not so much boredom, really. it’s more what you said, it’s not wanting to settle. is it greediness? maybe. but I think more that it’s thirst. a thirst for possibility.

2005.02.13 02:01

totally, a thirst for possibility… even if something is good, i just can’t commit to it, kuz who knows, something may be better… but the process kinda sucks… kuz while you are seeking something better, you lose out on what you have.

2005.02.13 02:17

Jen

Hey! Ya know what I think it is?…just a slump…don’t over-analyze it. Things will get better, they always do. And then you’ll use those times as benchmarks…meh…I say the best things come when you least expect it. ‘Til then no more of this self-doubt, “can’t” stuff…butterflies are all over the place.

…but I think there’s more in London :D (feel free to come back ;))

2005.02.13 15:45

jen, your optimism is making me smile… as well as your subtle underlying message. cheers! :)

2005.02.13 16:04

kat

i think u have said it before, pick a decision & be happy with it (i know thats the hard part), otherwise u will be always saying ‘what if’ ….failing that……get some of of what ever Jen’s on….i like her bubbliness!

2005.02.14 14:56

kat

oh…forgot to add..i am still mad at this idiot box, some of my files r still missing in the ether….stupid pc

2005.02.14 14:58

Hot Mama

Joey,
If you compare everything to your past, then you are not living in the future, things that make you feel good , like butterflies, are great, but keep in mind that all experiences, good and bad, make you grow as a person. You can learn a life lesson from everything and anything! If you constantly compare everything to past events, you’re never going to feel happy and/or fulfill, there will always be that feeling that you want or need something else, something new. There are benchmarks to look forward to in the future as well, living in the past may hold you back. Nothing is wrong with you, change is a natural part of life, but I think that it may be easier on you if you stop fighting it. Stop second guessing yourself and Cheers to the Journey!

2005.02.15 08:21

hmm… ‘what if’… you both are suggesting that i should stop focusing on ‘what if’… which i have… but the more important question is ‘what if i don’t’… i read something in Wing Dreamer’s blog today.. and it kinda hits on what i think i was talking about in the original post…

sometimes you lose more by wanting more, and sometimes you have “everything” but don’t know it cause you are too busy looking for “something” else.

i am slightly (well totally) taking that quote out of context but i think it fits and helps define why it feels like my benchmarks have been set.

2005.02.16 22:23

kat

i know what u meant in the original post.
for some ppl there will be always ‘what if i donts’ and ‘what ifs’, wanting change, wanting excitement, to know more, to do more, to experience everything and not feel as u have missed out on something , etc etc….i dont know what u do about it though, if i did i wouldnt have these thoughts/moods. i dont know, perhaps try and live more in the moment (but of course dont loose focus on the future) ?? i wonder does everyone feel these things? or do they go thru life blissfully happy?

2005.02.16 22:43

Wing Dreamer

Observe other people’s “what ifs” and “what if I don’ts” because you cannot possibly experience every “what if” and “what if I don’t” in this lifetime. Some of these other people made a calculated decision based on the knowledge and experience they had at the time.
In Esoteric studies the belief is “what you think” is what you attract. Applied action following thought=result. Thought is energy—it has been scientifically proven. Energy follows energy. When a person is in a “what if” and “what if I don’t” mode…..in thought- the universe sets up multiple choices which can be confusing but require applied action at some point. The responses to the original blog are proof……………multiple views that reflect the original “what if” and “what if I don’t” attracted multiple opinions in the comments section, including myself.

2005.02.17 10:47

Hot Mama

I think the quote out of Wing Dreamer’s blog buts it perfectly!

2005.02.17 15:43

Wing Dreamer

food for thought…
…..The villagers said oh that’s good when the farmer when he was given 5 horses. The farmer said, “I don’t know if it’s good or bad, all I know is I have 5 horses”…..When 4 out of the 5 horses ran away the villagers oh said that’s too bad. The farmer said, “I don’t know if it’s good or bad, all I know is I have one horse left”. When the farmer’s only son rode the horse, fell off and broke his legs the villagers said oh that’s too bad. The farmer said, “I don’t know if it’s good or bad, all I know is my son has 2 broken legs”…..When all the villagers’ sons were sent to war and killed they said oh that’s good your son wasn’t sent to war because of his broken legs. The farmer said, “I don’t know if it’s good or bad, all I know is my son is alive”.

2005.02.17 19:25

Crissy

hey joey, you will never be happy if your goals are only to re-experience the past. you have to set new goals, aim for the future. i had a teacher once tell me that to be successful, to feel successful, he needed to make sure that at the end of every year, he knew he was better off than the year before, topped what he did the previous year. i thought that was a great way to think. you cant live your life trying to bring back the past, cuz it will never happen, but you can live your life trying to improve what you have accomplished in the past, which will in turn, bring back those butterflies that you miss! and if that doesnt work, paying me a visit is SURE to get those butterflies flappin in your tummy! =ř luvs ya joey!

2005.02.18 23:01

crissy, yer awesome.. thanks!… relating ‘trying to improve’ to butterflies is perfect…. kuz you need to try new things to get those damn butterflies hanging round… also, the example of your teacher is perfect… the need for constant self-improvement is a must… and yeah.. i know you want a visit…. but i luvs ya as it is… but who knows this may become some kind of random new experience… well as long as we don’t actually ‘try’ to set it up that way… crissy, i know the past is over, but what about the future?!? should there be a constant need to self-evaluate and try to become this perfect image of whatever?!? or should we just let us take ourselves where we want to go?

also, if i had a son, i’d hope he’d go through life with a blissfully happy attitude and develop inter-feelings that would let him grow into this being that could successfully contribute to the further creation of mankind and advance the cognitive level of most human beings.

2005.02.19 02:10


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