so maybe it’s the bottle of wine i drank, or the mood i set in my apartment.. or the fact that i just want to share with him what i have done, what i have achieved, what i feel, and who i am… growing up, he shared all this with me.. yet really this was only possible, due to the curiosity (and determination) i had at a very young age.. this courage i had helped me stick through it.. and even though the road was initially rough… time did pass and the ‘municipality’ did finally decided to pave the road… now, mind you we can’t forget about the many, many, tear-filled, dramatic phone calls made to my mom… however, in the end, i was able to make it through it all… and well, the road got paved soon enough…
however, many years later.. i find myself sitting here and trying to realize how i have grown.. and if i have become the person i have always ways wanted to become…. and for the most part i have… sure… i am not a millionaire.. like i promised i’d be by the time i was eighteen.. but whatever.. the whole point is that i want him to understand who i am… and why i do what i do… i want him to feel for a moment who i am.. to truly understand what it took for me to get where i am.. and what i feel and experience on a daily basis.. i want to share this, not as a way to rub it in his face.. or to prove anything to him.. but rather.. just to say hey.. this is what i did.. and you’re a part of it.. kuz you indirectly made me who i am and helped pave the way.. i just want him to understand for one second… to hear, to feel, to experience the pace and the tone of my life… i want him to know this, totally and sincerely… so he can be proud.. and so he can pat himself on the back, and know he did well.. kuz i did!! i know this kinda sounds like i am treating myself as a reward.. or like i am some kind special creature for not being a deadbead… but it’s more that that… i just want make sure he understands…
it feels kinda weird for me to say this.. but tonight.. me just sitting here.. thinking about my dad… encouraged me to write about him on this level… mind you, he will never read this, but, it was still important to get this out…. damn you red wine… i hope he comes out west soon to try to see and experience my life.
UPDATE 2005-11-15:due to a couple wrong clicks, and magical powers of rss and pings, this post got out there, so i figure i might as well suck it up, live by the feelings i experienced, and re-publish this post for all to see.
I miss you but you do not know that of me,
The constant reminder in a heart that bleeds.
How can I touch you when you are far away,
And embrace the depth of your innermost needs.
I do not see you everyday as I wish I could,
But my thoughts are directly linked to you.
I cannot force the sunshine in your sky,
When the clouds of memories block it too.
Your many choices on your journey to the future,
Will keep me at a distance but close in my heart.
I believe in you and am the cheering fan you hear,
The fan that was always there right from the start.
I may have let you go at much too young an age,
The love for your father was a greater force than me.
The predetermination of the soul cannot be halted.
Only a father can teach a boy to be a man, you see.
As you take the giant leap into the shoes of manhood,
Use the “tools” that you packed last fall in your suitcase.
Remember even though some people cannot express
The pride they feel but you do hold a very special place.
even though perhaps he hasn’t experienced your life, hearing him speak about u, i think he is very proud of u (and also your sis). i think if u tell him to come to see u, he will….sometimes people need reminders.
Wow! In no way does it come across as you treating yourself like a reward and it definitely does not seem like you want to rub anything in his face, it natural to want to share your life with loved ones. Everyone is sucessful (on their own terms)! I think he has always been proud of you and he will continue to be, most of all I think he would be proud of himself to have someone he loves so much write this about him.