Walking around, lost, looking back and forth, wondering where you are, where you have been, and how you have gotten here. It’s extremely bright out, the sun is reflecting off of the snow that surrounds you. You don’t understand… you are confused… you don’t know who you are… you have a feeling that you are being chased, that you are in hiding, trying to conceal your flaws… you now realize that it’s cold out, you are slivering, hungry, and moments away from death… you are strong though, you have gone been through worse… you’re eyes are now used to the brightness, you are becoming aware of the surroundings, but you still don’t want to be here… fury strikes you, you don’t want to run anymore, you need to become static… you need to become warm… you require these things.. and then you will…
Idle and relaxed, with not a worry in the world.
A weekend filled with friends and family, good times were unfurled.
With laughter and pleasure, rum, tequila and beer.
The weekend filled with thanks, a feeling so sincere.
A matter of acceptance, understanding and respect.
A pact where two people act freely and enjoy each other.
A bond that is nurtured and cannot be easily ignored.
A link to an essential human role.
Well I was going through my files on my PowerBook and found a few writings from my pre-blog days. The following was written on March 26, 2004, a rainy day, and the day that, I believe, started the inspiration to write these short anecdotes.
One morning he didn’t even open his eyes. He had heard the rain and decided that there was no need open his eyes. The rain could be heard, smelt and felt in his joints. He knew that today was going to be a different day. A day where he could simply float around and fall in to his silent routine. The routine is always the same when it rains. And he feels that everyone around him has a similar routine. No one talks, no one acknowledges anyone, no one even sees any one. In public settings, he feels a sense of confusion when approaching another individual. He doesn’t know what to expect – if he should fear this person, or if this person fears him. He tries to evade this confusion by avoiding any type of contact with unknown individuals. He thinks to himself, wondering if all this weird behaviour is a result of the falling water from the sky or if it is raining since everyone feels like this.
You look over at it. It feels so good, so surreal. It’s like you can imagine the reality, through the confidence that is captured in the moment. You then storm your brain for ideas, for something clever, something original, something uniquely yours; and come up with nothing…
At least one interview remains: career prospects are unclear.
The doors have been left open: alternatives will appear.
My consciousness is aware: yet thoughts scattered here and there.
The seeds have now been planted: and we will see what will grow.
Events are in a contingent state: simply waiting to unfold.
Damn, it’s morning already, and I just started to have some good dreams. My curiosity of where these dreams are heading begin to battle with my body, which is saying ‘get the fuck up, you lazy ass’. Of course the harsh reality is that these dreams never start until about 11AM (local time). You know these dreams will continue to be good, so you give it all, to try to stay asleep. You pretend to enjoy the sun shining in your eyes, the roofers banging, and of course the phone ringing. Your imagination starts to take over the subconscious dream creation process, and you start to conceive a fantasy world. Then it kicks in, you realize that you are no longer dreaming anymore, and you wake up and go ‘damn’….
So you then, ponder your dream, and you try to determine if you can make it real… you then come to the realization that you can’t and you adopt the attitude of “it was only a dream”… you brush it off like it cannot become real, simply because it was once not real… Dreams just like everything else, start as not being ‘real’… you cannot perceive them directly through your senses – they start in your mind. Creativity, ambition, happiness, love, etc… all begin in the mind. Well actually they are always in the mind, they only become ‘real’ when you act on them via some surrogate object or event. This is the only way people can experience these with their senses. Dreams are the same way, you can’t make a dream ‘real’ but you have the power to create situations where you can experience the feelings felt during the dream. You know you have the ability to do this because “it once was a dream”.
it starts with a greeting… this greeting is essential… it is not just what you say.. but how you look, how you portray yourself and how this greeting is received… this greeting is key to everything to follow….
random nouns:
conversation… connection… respect… goal…. well-being… mystery… confidence… initiative… anxiety… butterflies… attraction… joy… pride… regret… opportunity… confusion… options…
a matter of kool… a matter of not ‘draining’ you. draining now there’s a word that i learned from my mom. when someone drains someone they take their energy. they can consume it all, and typically this energy becomes wasted by being used on selfish or unnecessary problems…. draining is always a negative thing… it defiantly not sharing, or encouragement… i can deal with people who drain others, but not when i need to be around someone who can do the opposite of drain… i need to think of a word that can describe that action… its got to be a word that means care, listen, fun, share, encourage, happy, and benevolent. this word is:
i miss my friend, in the end i miss my friend. this is a friend that is not one person, this is not a friend who you can physically talk to, this is a friend that only existed because everything was aligned. everything worked together, hand and hand this friend was there, this friend was always able to fill the need, this friend could morph into whatever and would enjoy the ride. this friend would help and this friend always needed help. i enjoyed this friend, i enjoyed helping, communicating, and feeling needed.
nevermind, i am confused; time to go buy some black pants.