consume to distract

whenever i am bored, i find myself reaching out to consume something. i either find myself windows shopping online or getting the urge to go out to a physical store. it is like buying something will gobble up my idle time and connect me with the rest of the world. even if i go to the mall, it’s not like it will be a social outing; i will just walk around mindlessly and probably actually only buy something in the food court. so today i cleaned instead. sure, it really wasn’t any fun, but it needed to be done. i still want to go out and buy something though. some kind of toy that will merely entertain me – i just don’t know what to buy since i have everything that i actually need. maybe i should just go walk around the city, but i know i will just end up at a starbucks, and spend four bucks on some kind of latte, so.. i dunno. **time passes as i take a shower** so now i am clean too, and what to do? i need some friends man!! i am definitely going through friend withdrawal. shit, i don’t even know if i remember how to make friends (that are not from work, or my friends’ friends); it’s been so long since a real friendship has developed purely out of coincidence. i guess i haven’t needed to know, since my circle of friends was such a mixture of interrelated friendships. there was a time that i liked to think that it was me, that connected everyone and that enabled many of the friendships to occur. but now i know it may be true for some, but more realistically it was due to the collective effort of everyone. so i sit here alone in my room, with a big city moving around outside and i wait. i wait for something to happen… something to either motivate me, that will put me in a situation where a friendship will ignite or something that will take my mind off of the situation. i know it won’t happen in my room, but i know if i go out in public i will just fade into the background and involuntarily become drawn away.

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