the weird part

well… it’s over… it’s kinda weird… ending on a note.. that i had no control over… typically i end things when i want to… i like to do it that way so i can end on a high note… this time… i just have to pretend it’s a high note… i have to look at it as an opportunity… a new beginning… a kick in the ass… it’s a wake up!! and do something asshole… why are you so easily beat down by the system… i know i have the world on the tip of my finger.. but its hard to point at one specific place when you have big finger tips… it’s like playing that spin the globe game… “when i grow up, i am going to live… here” game… but the globe is now real.. and my options are limitless… so what’s the problem… why does it feel like i am stuck… stuck in idle… i have a building anger… a tension inside of me… that is coming out.. i just need to focus this anger on something very specific… and something i feel confident that i can achieve… these goals of mine… need to not be at the mercy of others… they need to utilize the freedoms i have… and need to happen as a direct result of my actions… it would be nice… to score something good… from someone else… but when you set personal goals… you can’t depend on others… unless you are willing to become ‘fake’ or ‘suck up’… today was my last day… and today i feel fine… i am just curious how i am going to feel tomorrow… when my alarm goes off at 8 am… and i hit snooze for six and a half hours… and then finally roll outta bed, kuz i have to take a leak… tomorrow i am allowing a write off day… maybe even this whole week… but now is the time to make some drastic changes… i just wish my part time weekend job didn’t exist… kuz i already know it’s going to give me an excuse to do nothing… and then there is writing the lsat.. which is a good goal.. but the problem is… getting into a law school is at the mercy of others.. and something like that cannot be a main goal now.. kuz raising my gpa is simply not an option right now…

the weird part is.. deep inside.. i am still not worried… i am not nervous… i am not worried… it’s my ‘i dunno’… that is forcing myself to get upset about this… i dunno it’s weird… kuz when i sit still and open my eyes for a second… i know that i can do what ever i want… i can accomplish whatever i want… all that matters is that i am happy doing whatever i am doing… now… that’s the tricky part.. what makes me happy?? damn… that one i’ll figure out later.

unorganized rant

movies… you ever wonder how people watch so many movies? i’ve stayed home the last 2 nites and have made it through 3 or maybe 4 movies… and they are all movies other people have seen… it just makes me wonder how people manage or choose what to do with their time… do they do things that they enjoy? must be… i enjoy watching movies and listening to music… i don’t read much fiction… kuz it requires you to get to involved in the text… i prefer reading non-fiction… kuz then i can have some tunes kicking in the background… also… this is why i think i enjoy surfing the web instead of watching tv… the control that i have… i get to pick what content i read and i get to pick what music i listen to… watching television is just way to passive for me to do much of… watching commercials drives me crazy.. unless its late at night or after a long day at work… commercials are also one of the reasons for me hating commercial radio… i just hate being fed shit i don’t want to know… especially kuz the messages being fed to me.. don’t actually matter in real life… movies are good… no commercials!! watching movies on city or tbs drives me crazy!! now.. i don’t think i could really live if i had to choose one medium… television or the internet… since they both play a different role… tv is something that can be shared… it can be a social thing.. sorta… surfing the web… is not…. and sucks when people try to make it so… even this blog.. seems kinda like a social thing.. but its not… it’s all a matter of art… movies are art.. they require a lot of details that most viewers over look… they are the details that make reading fiction so cumbersome… tv is just trash… it is just there to keep our commercial society rolling… how else would be know about the schick quattro?!?!? now i am not saying that movies are not part of the commercial bullshit… but i believe that many films are made for more than that… so how does one choose what to do with their time? i still don’t know.

urban rock

ohh yeah.. and since i am talking about some music… before today… i was on a very long ‘tv on the radio’ kick… their ‘desperate youth, blood thirsty babes’ album is amazing… its chillax… and kool… its not as ‘powerful’ or umm… as ‘pretty’ as ‘sufjan stevens’… but i do enjoy the a cappella…. the ‘urban’, almost ‘ikea’ feeling i get while i listen to this is neat… it’s like its not right to listen to this pumping on my iPod while driving around london… ohh well… i like this album… and i hope you do to.. check it out….

album art

greetings from..

album art

damn… i am really enjoying this sufjan stevens album greetings from michigan: the great lake state…. it is very mellow.. and peaceful… and fun… there are other albums sorta like this.. using some of the same styles… but this album has something original about it… check it out if you get a chance.


“This is a pleasant time that is good for all relationships, but you may not feel especially active. Today you tend to attract circumstances, persons or objects, including money, that can be useful later on. The quotation marks around “lucky” mean that it is not so much luck that helps you as your attitude of relaxation and willingness to let your life flow without the tension of resistance. Many things are prevented from entering people’s lives because they are too tense to let them in. At other times you might unconsciously alienate a potentially helpful person, or you might be too cautious or overlook an opportunity because of tension. This influence helps to prevent such negative states of consciousness.”

well.. that’s my horoscope for today… and it’s kinda kool… kuz that’s how i live my life everyday… through my “attitude of relaxation and willingness to let [my] life flow without the tension of resistance. ”

just wanted to share.

btw… horoscope Copyright ? 2004 Astrodienst AG

the ‘Real’ iPod

it boils down to Real sucks… the iPod is good…. but Apple needs to license out FairPlay, or even better allow anyone to use it for free.

this would allow indie bands to create a music store on their own website (with absolutly no middle man), and the songs could be played on the iPod (and other future players that would support FairPlay)

i find it hard to support real’s decision to hack FairPlay, just so they can capitalize on the success of the iPod. Real has always been a bitch, using their own proprietary formats and not sharing. so i hope they burn in hell and that Apple breaks Real’s compatibility (and allows me to put the newest software on my 3G iPod, grrr)

and to summarize… Apple and Real are both bad and wrong. there needs to be an open-source DRM solution, that all digital media players can support and that all firms can use to create their own music stores.


well, this weekend at work went much better… i was confident, knowledgeable and comfortable…. its kinda nice working with a steady flow of people again, well twice a week… any more than that and it would probably get on my nerves… it’s a good setting to work at kuz i don’t have a boss or supervisor looking over my every move… i actually met my supervisor this yesterday… she seems pretty uncomfortable in her role… but her report of me was very good… well.. that’s what it said in every box!! i bet she’ll only be back to visit me once more… and for secret shoppers… i am not worried… it’s just the fear they want to instil in me so i actually go to work, and when i am at work i actually do some work. now.. time to prime for my interview on tuesday!! peace all… and thanks for reading!

missing word

a matter of kool… a matter of not ‘draining’ you. draining now there’s a word that i learned from my mom. when someone drains someone they take their energy. they can consume it all, and typically this energy becomes wasted by being used on selfish or unnecessary problems…. draining is always a negative thing… it defiantly not sharing, or encouragement… i can deal with people who drain others, but not when i need to be around someone who can do the opposite of drain… i need to think of a word that can describe that action… its got to be a word that means care, listen, fun, share, encourage, happy, and benevolent. this word is:


well i have an interview on tuesday… this is my last chance to score a full time position with out ending up with any down time. this job is a job i deserve and that i can do. when looking at the other employees, they don’t have the skill, dedication, knowledge that i have. i can be a productive employee, i can produce results and through this i can be paid well, get some benefits so i can goto the fucken dentist and start my self-sufficient lifestyle. it just bothers me when shit sucks… like today.. i am working with a full time person, making about 56k and he is asking me for help… he needs me to do simple shit that he was hired for… my 12/hour has to do this… why? kuz i decided to take some initiative a while back… and i can’t leave this project dead… i need to pass it on to someone and get someone to set it up (for now and the future)…. so… yeah… i will be fine once i score a job, where i either have respect, monetary compensation, or well… actually both! i hope this weekend pisses me off enough to come through brilliantly on tuesday… damn… i should be updating my resume right now and making a fucken portfolio…

apathy or anger?

i actual felt anger today. when i arrived home, i realized that fedex had still not of been here. its not even a big deal really, but i was like what the fuck, why can’t a big company with high paid employees send me my shit via fedex? first of all i was rushed into thinking that fedex was coming on tuesday, and then a no show all week (except to deliver some other shit). maybe i was so angry because all these big companies can’t give me what i want. and if i don’t get what i want, how can i be motivated to care?!?! this is bullshit… i want to care! i want to put effort in!!! i want to feel like i am earning something!! it has become way to easy to sit back and be my apathetic self. i don’t even think i am that person any more since i was actually angry that fedex never showed…. thank god for this blog, because without it this anger would be sent to my boss, which actually i think it should. ohh well…. i’ll just put minimum effort in and continue to get zero satisfaction.

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