good spirits

so i just want to be in the water off of the isla mujeres… i want to revisit that ‘relaxing unfeeling’… that was so enjoyable… i was just floating there, looking up, smiling and thinking to myself ‘wow this is fucking amazing!!’ there was no stress, and no nervous tension and nothing but the sheer comfort found simply by being in my own skin. i miss that feeling of comfort. i miss that confidence that seemed to be such an intrinsic part of my character. i miss what i thought i once was. now in retrospect… it is the people who surround me that actually paint the portrait of me… they allow me to be who i am and it is kuz they know me best, and the longest… and new people… well they never really get to know the real me… why?!?! kuz… i hold back… and why!?!? who the fuck knows?!? well it certainly has to do with the fact that i am at a different stage in my life than before.. and the people i meet or deal with now are fully established in who they are, and they are not open to simply reforming themselves. this makes sense… so typically i tend to just go silent and fall into the background, meshing with the masses. why don’t i take charge like i once could?… i guess this really was a long time ago when i had this courage.. but i know it’s still in me somewhere, it is just buried under a bunch of shit ‘the system’ piled on… and this drives me crazy everyday… and when i was in mexico… it all didn’t matter… what i experienced at this exact moment i am thinking about seemed so real, so perfect and it seemed to be what life was all about… the bullshit was completely filtered, the beer was cold.. but now that i think about it… at the time… i still wasn’t who i wanted to be… but i guess this is the most recent example i have where i felt this bliss.

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