so i just want to be in the water off of the isla mujeres… i want to revisit that ‘relaxing unfeeling’… that was so enjoyable… i was just floating there, looking up, smiling and thinking to myself ‘wow this is fucking amazing!!’ there was no stress, and no nervous tension and nothing but the sheer comfort found simply by being in my own skin. i miss that feeling of comfort. i miss that confidence that seemed to be such an intrinsic part of my character. i miss what i thought i once was. now in retrospect… it is the people who surround me that actually paint the portrait of me… they allow me to be who i am and it is kuz they know me best, and the longest… and new people… well they never really get to know the real me… why?!?! kuz… i hold back… and why!?!? who the fuck knows?!? well it certainly has to do with the fact that i am at a different stage in my life than before.. and the people i meet or deal with now are fully established in who they are, and they are not open to simply reforming themselves. this makes sense… so typically i tend to just go silent and fall into the background, meshing with the masses. why don’t i take charge like i once could?… i guess this really was a long time ago when i had this courage.. but i know it’s still in me somewhere, it is just buried under a bunch of shit ‘the system’ piled on… and this drives me crazy everyday… and when i was in mexico… it all didn’t matter… what i experienced at this exact moment i am thinking about seemed so real, so perfect and it seemed to be what life was all about… the bullshit was completely filtered, the beer was cold.. but now that i think about it… at the time… i still wasn’t who i wanted to be… but i guess this is the most recent example i have where i felt this bliss.
The “established reality” is an illusion to those who believe they have control of everything -there is no room for growth or allowing others to blend in with their distortion of security.
You are fulfilling a role in your current work atmosphere -that is not the true essence of who you are. In due time, when you think you can trust will you open up to let people see the real person. 4 months is too short a time to “show” oneself to strangers in the sense that you don’t really know them. You need to bond with the familiar once again to get that courage back.
It’s really is ok to feel somewhat fragmented, after all you seem to forget that you have experienced a profound transformation in complete lifestyle……it’ll get better once you get out from the shadows and stop comparing the stage of your life with the stage of the circumstances that appear established. Nothing stays the same, change is inevitable even for those people who think they got it all.
Making new friendships as an adult has it’s challenges and opportunities too.
It is not the destination that makes the journey worthwhile -it is the self discovery.
Everything takes time…………………can’t force an egg to become a butterfly until it goes through the stages of development.
just say the words š