a matter of kool… a matter of not ‘draining’ you. draining now there’s a word that i learned from my mom. when someone drains someone they take their energy. they can consume it all, and typically this energy becomes wasted by being used on selfish or unnecessary problems…. draining is always a negative thing… it defiantly not sharing, or encouragement… i can deal with people who drain others, but not when i need to be around someone who can do the opposite of drain… i need to think of a word that can describe that action… its got to be a word that means care, listen, fun, share, encourage, happy, and benevolent. this word is:
well i have an interview on tuesday… this is my last chance to score a full time position with out ending up with any down time. this job is a job i deserve and that i can do. when looking at the other employees, they don’t have the skill, dedication, knowledge that i have. i can be a productive employee, i can produce results and through this i can be paid well, get some benefits so i can goto the fucken dentist and start my self-sufficient lifestyle. it just bothers me when shit sucks… like today.. i am working with a full time person, making about 56k and he is asking me for help… he needs me to do simple shit that he was hired for… my 12/hour has to do this… why? kuz i decided to take some initiative a while back… and i can’t leave this project dead… i need to pass it on to someone and get someone to set it up (for now and the future)…. so… yeah… i will be fine once i score a job, where i either have respect, monetary compensation, or well… actually both! i hope this weekend pisses me off enough to come through brilliantly on tuesday… damn… i should be updating my resume right now and making a fucken portfolio…
i actual felt anger today. when i arrived home, i realized that fedex had still not of been here. its not even a big deal really, but i was like what the fuck, why can’t a big company with high paid employees send me my shit via fedex? first of all i was rushed into thinking that fedex was coming on tuesday, and then a no show all week (except to deliver some other shit). maybe i was so angry because all these big companies can’t give me what i want. and if i don’t get what i want, how can i be motivated to care?!?! this is bullshit… i want to care! i want to put effort in!!! i want to feel like i am earning something!! it has become way to easy to sit back and be my apathetic self. i don’t even think i am that person any more since i was actually angry that fedex never showed…. thank god for this blog, because without it this anger would be sent to my boss, which actually i think it should. ohh well…. i’ll just put minimum effort in and continue to get zero satisfaction.