inhibited christmas cheer

so i finally found some time where i could write a few of my thoughts down. ahh, it feels good to blog.. anyways.. over the past week or so my dad has been here and it has been quite interesting. i have discovered many things about myself and him that, well, don’t really mesh nicely or contribute to our relationship in an overly positive way… you know.. the tensions that result from attempts at describing and understanding what a blog or a web browser is, or the rationale behind not supporting corporate radio…
it’s not like i should have expected anything more or less of his visit, but i guess i kinda was… i think i had hoped he would be able to magically understand me, my life, and all the things that i have an opinion on and matter to me. and umm.. this has not happened… sure he has drawn his own conclusions of my first year in vancouver… and expressed his judgment of me based on the surface things he sees, understands, and relates to… like, ‘where’s my girlfriend’… ‘you don’t need a good tv’… and ‘ohh, probably this… and probably that…’ ha, wow, in retrospect i realize how implausible this dream of mine truly was: i am such a fool!! i will never be able to change my father, nor should i want or need to.. but then why do i constantly strive to do this!?! why?!?! it must be kuz i want him to be a better man.. more able to successfully live in modern society.. to maximize his happiness and life potential.. but what the fuck?!?! who am i to determine this for him.. so if i can accept that i cannot and should not change that, well that must mean my motives, entirely residing in my subconscious, are seeking to meet my own self-interest.. and well.. that ain’t right either.. so yeah, i dunno… but regardless, thus far, this has hardly been a holiday in the sense of a break filled with fun, silly and memorable activities… but rather a short segment of time in my life where i need not to goto work and where i constantly struggle to create a positive setting which will generate substantial and memorable events of my dad’s first attempt to enter my independent life.

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