inhibited christmas cheer

so i finally found some time where i could write a few of my thoughts down. ahh, it feels good to blog.. anyways.. over the past week or so my dad has been here and it has been quite interesting. i have discovered many things about myself and him that, well, don’t really mesh nicely or contribute to our relationship in an overly positive way… you know.. the tensions that result from attempts at describing and understanding what a blog or a web browser is, or the rationale behind not supporting corporate radio…
it’s not like i should have expected anything more or less of his visit, but i guess i kinda was… i think i had hoped he would be able to magically understand me, my life, and all the things that i have an opinion on and matter to me. and umm.. this has not happened… sure he has drawn his own conclusions of my first year in vancouver… and expressed his judgment of me based on the surface things he sees, understands, and relates to… like, ‘where’s my girlfriend’… ‘you don’t need a good tv’… and ‘ohh, probably this… and probably that…’ ha, wow, in retrospect i realize how implausible this dream of mine truly was: i am such a fool!! i will never be able to change my father, nor should i want or need to.. but then why do i constantly strive to do this!?! why?!?! it must be kuz i want him to be a better man.. more able to successfully live in modern society.. to maximize his happiness and life potential.. but what the fuck?!?! who am i to determine this for him.. so if i can accept that i cannot and should not change that, well that must mean my motives, entirely residing in my subconscious, are seeking to meet my own self-interest.. and well.. that ain’t right either.. so yeah, i dunno… but regardless, thus far, this has hardly been a holiday in the sense of a break filled with fun, silly and memorable activities… but rather a short segment of time in my life where i need not to goto work and where i constantly struggle to create a positive setting which will generate substantial and memorable events of my dad’s first attempt to enter my independent life.


“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

2005.12.23 8:09 am

It takes a “big” man to express what you did. Your words resonated with me right to my core because I wished the same as you did and I was unsuccessful in that aspect-but I continued my growth in a different environment.

Some people have reached their potential and it is within their “willingness” to learn, adapt or adjust that change takes place.

I had hoped that you would bond in a way that would leave both of you with fond memories. And yet I knew what you were up against because I, too, have lived it once upon a time. Don’t try to create the positive anything -it is not totally your responsibility.

Some people only see the “lack” in other people’s lives and accomplishments. They see through their negative eyes because that is what they learned throughout life. That is a toughie to change….Some parents have difficulty praising their own children because they just don’t understand-a type of narrow mindedness or simply because deep down inside they have issues within their own self worth, unfulfilled dreams, and sometimes just a brittle attitude towards life. You have inherited a mind that is not tunnel vision.

The precious time you have left to share with your father is “time” that will cement those idealistic thoughts you had about his visit in the first place.

How about a game of poker?

2005.12.22 7:30 pm


Just as he doesnt understand you, you don’t understand him. Change scares the shit outta people, and maybe your dad is just content with the technological knowledge he already has…and thats ok.

I dunno, I know how you are feelin, cuz my mother and I can’t seem to ever understand where the other is coming from. I had a friend one time sit me down and tell me that no one said a parent and child have to get along amazingly and bond and live happily ever after. And its a depressing comment on one hand, but at the same time, it’s realistic and true. And as long as you can accept that the relationship between you and your dad may not always seem…functional?…doesn’t mean it’s not healthy…or beyond saving. Sandie’s quote says it best. The flaws of others are what gives them character and makes them the great people they are.

Merry Christmas Eve Joey! *hug*

2005.12.24 1:01 am

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