jack bauer knows victoria’s secret.

i received ‘a forward’ today from my buddy jordan… and it made me laugh many a time out loud… warning!! it will not be funny to you.. unless you have been slowly working your way through watching 24 on dvd (like i have been)… or if you have been watching the show during actual television broadcasts…

anyway, i am now on day 3 (aka season 3)… at about 11pm (disc 3 of 6)… and for those of you who don’t know what 24 is… it is an american tv show on fox, set in real time, and stars canadian actor kiefer sutherland who plays ‘jack bauer’ and who’s actual grandfather is tommy douglas… the famous five-term premier of saskatchewan, the father of medicare, and the first leader of the ndp…)

now on to ‘the forward’….

When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauers calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, “You’re in good hands with Jack Bauer”.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s beef.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

There is no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer’s favourite color is severe terror alert red. His second favourite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.

When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer". In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars. Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it. Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret. What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed. If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever. If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess. "Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked". When Jack Bauer pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction. If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed. Jack Bauer makes onions cry. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, Jack Bauer hears it.

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