velkr0.org is now running WordPress 1.5… which was easy as pie to upgrade.. but it will take me some time to customize it back to how i like it… so do expect some changes over the next day or so and even possibly some downtime. WP 1.5 offers a bunch of new features… and i hope it will be a good experience for all…
i’m still alive, i’ve just been extremely busy and now tired. i have plenty to write about, like northern voice, jason’s visit, me, etc… but i think i am going to enjoy the next hour and watch some mindless entertainment.
it was a time when it was all so new, all so unknown, and all so exciting. at the time it felt like i knew it all, i believed, i had hopes, expectations, and being right there, i lived it and it was perfect. now, for something to feel real or right or whatever, i compare it to the past events. my history is just full of benchmarks and now it feels like all that can be, once was. it’s sad.. because my future aspirations are to feel how i once did… i want to re-experience things that will make me feel good… but i can’t. i can’t do it.. and i don’t know why… where did the butterflies go?!? and where did all this self-doubt come from!??! wtf is wrong with me?!!? meh…
whenever i am bored, i find myself reaching out to consume something. i either find myself windows shopping online or getting the urge to go out to a physical store. it is like buying something will gobble up my idle time and connect me with the rest of the world. even if i go to the mall, it’s not like it will be a social outing; i will just walk around mindlessly and probably actually only buy something in the food court. so today i cleaned instead. sure, it really wasn’t any fun, but it needed to be done. i still want to go out and buy something though. some kind of toy that will merely entertain me – i just don’t know what to buy since i have everything that i actually need. maybe i should just go walk around the city, but i know i will just end up at a starbucks, and spend four bucks on some kind of latte, so.. i dunno. **time passes as i take a shower** so now i am clean too, and what to do? i need some friends man!! i am definitely going through friend withdrawal. shit, i don’t even know if i remember how to make friends (that are not from work, or my friends’ friends); it’s been so long since a real friendship has developed purely out of coincidence. i guess i haven’t needed to know, since my circle of friends was such a mixture of interrelated friendships. there was a time that i liked to think that it was me, that connected everyone and that enabled many of the friendships to occur. but now i know it may be true for some, but more realistically it was due to the collective effort of everyone. so i sit here alone in my room, with a big city moving around outside and i wait. i wait for something to happen… something to either motivate me, that will put me in a situation where a friendship will ignite or something that will take my mind off of the situation. i know it won’t happen in my room, but i know if i go out in public i will just fade into the background and involuntarily become drawn away.
so i think i have figured it out: it’s all about character development, viewer connection and profits. when you can relate to a specific group of characters, you become united with them and actualize a constant sense of curiosity. this drives you to engage directly with them as if they are actually providing you with a valuable surrogate life. the ability to get lost in the moment is sustained through the sheer entertainment it provides. it seems that you can’t wait until the next week, when you will find out what happens in the story of your alternate life that just happens to be decided without any action from you. all the events that occur are predetermined based on what is estimated to generate the most revenue. you feel cheated when you think that this may be true. you want to believe that the characters are real, and that they somehow represent you. its has to be about more than money; this is your life, your friends and your journey or maybe it’s just a television show.
I have had furniture for nearly a month now, but i still don’t have a cozy spot to sit. I am puzzled how to create one, while still maintaining the practical use of all the furniture i have. My bed is pretty cozy but i want to sit in the living room… hmm… all very frustrating when all i want to do is sit back, reflect on my day and enjoying some fine imported wine.
ahh, sunday morning… a frame of time, with a sentiment that seems to be so consistent. regardless of what i actually do, sunday morning has a unique role in the week. today, i am simply laying in bed, half propped up, using two pillows to do so. i have my knees bent up and i am using my thighs my stomach as a base for my powerbook. it is actually quit comfortable, and since i have experienced this time and time again, i don’t think i will ever be able to go without a laptop computer. to the right of me i have some coffee, it is pretty cool right now since i have been busy surfing, and reading other people’s blogs. either way though, taking a sip here and there is quite fulfilling. as for music, i am listening to the new m83 album, through my tiny powerbook speakers, which normally sound really bad, but today they sound just right. mind you, i really do need to purchase some fairly small, high quality headphones for situations like this and for a work. my ear buds are just too crappy, to actually get lost in the music, but they are better than nothing!! this weekend all in all has been pretty relaxing, and it’s been great. last night i just observed other people trying to escape their daily lives, break loose, and have a bit of fun. normally i would of been right in there, but last night, i just listened from a distance, and it was great. i guess everyone is on a specific page in their lives, but with me, i seem to be out on my own – well sort of… i can think of two people that are in similar situations right now, but all with their unique set of challenges. so, i guess i am trying to say that i am out on my own here, and that i could team up with others who are on separate pages, but there really isn’t a point, since i have already experienced those. so it’s just me, experiencing my life as it is right now, going with the flow; however, staying on the track i have set out for myself (i just hope i won’t regret anything).
so maybe i blogged my thoughts a bit too early, i guess i figured things wouldn’t work out… but in the end they did, dre came out, and i thank him for it… i had a good time for sure, i enjoyed the bands and the ‘mini-night’ even turned out… well the show was sold out.. but there were 3 girls in line who had two tickets.. but ended up selling them to us, kuz the third girl couldn’t get in… now that’s a long story that i don’t want to get into (the whole bouncer trying to make a buck, etc.. then denying it all… i’ll get into if you guys want… comment at your will ) but all in all.. the night was good… nothing crazy or stupid or overly memorable happened, but it was good to get out and support the local indie music scene, even if pitchfork has already included black mountain’s lp into their best new music list… it was kool… i liked how they really extended out the instrumentals in their music; it was interesting to engage in a different take on how they would play their music with a live audience. also, with Daddy’s Hands, the band before them, it was kool to see how they created those abstract sounds that you hear on albums.. how they pulled their guitar strings differently or whatever… any way you look at it, it was nice to see and great to gain a better appreciation for the music performed live… seeing the real people and the real instruments in work. overall, cheers to black mountain, the girls that sold us their tickets, dre for coming out, and to me for maintaining interest despite the circumstances at hand. coming soon, pictures and movies, if they turned out. ahh fuck, the good ones didn’t save, must be the fact i bought a shitie memory card, or maybe my camera just likes to deceive me… fuck it, it sucks but i dunno how to resolve the problem.. so.. i am going to goto sleep… gnite.
yup, to follow up, what can i say; i can’t tell if people are genuine or not. looks like dre has backed out on me with regards to going to the Black Mountain show tonight. i guess in the back of my mind i already knew he would, but i just wanted to believe that he would be kool enough to actual do something with me that i wanted to do – considering i have no friends in this fucken city besides him. i dunno, it just makes me angry that he will go out of his way to entertain his new friends, but wont even go to some chill show with me. now the only reason i know about the black mountain show tonight is because of Mitch, who is actually pretty kool. she has been more than helpful and seems to be good friend material. but still she can’t be one of the boys, and i guess neither can dre. now to my boys back home… i wish you were here dudes, you’d all enjoy the show tonight… and we’d have such a good time. miss ya guys. cheers.
i can feel it, i can feel myself changing and it’s draining me. it must be; there is no other explanation why i am beat ass tired at 8:30. i even caught myself feeling the urge to thank andrei for his help tonight, when typically this has always been an unspoken appreciation. it’s always been like that with my friends; you just know the other person means well and that you appreciate each other. but working in this office setting is changing me. people thank and apologize for everything, it’s like if you don’t people will not help you out next time. but why? everyone knows everyone means well, and everyone knows that they all need to get along to accomplish our goals, so why the need for this unnecessary thanking back and forth. i dunno it just seems all so superfluous. but maybe that’s how it is in the real world, people simply need to appear as if they care, while actually they may or may not, and that’s all that matters. the problem is, i sometimes find it hard to determine if people are being genuine with me or if it is just bullshit… i dunno… but i am changing… and it’s scaring me… so here’s what i am going to do… i am going to continue to learn how to express my appreciation for ‘favours’ that people do for me but I will NOT become some over apologetic or over thankful fake.