so i finally found some time where i could write a few of my thoughts down. ahh, it feels good to blog.. anyways.. over the past week or so my dad has been here and it has been quite interesting. i have discovered many things about myself and him that, well, don’t really mesh nicely or contribute to our relationship in an overly positive way… you know.. the tensions that result from attempts at describing and understanding what a blog or a web browser is, or the rationale behind not supporting corporate radio…
it’s not like i should have expected anything more or less of his visit, but i guess i kinda was… i think i had hoped he would be able to magically understand me, my life, and all the things that i have an opinion on and matter to me. and umm.. this has not happened… sure he has drawn his own conclusions of my first year in vancouver… and expressed his judgment of me based on the surface things he sees, understands, and relates to… like, ‘where’s my girlfriend’… ‘you don’t need a good tv’… and ‘ohh, probably this… and probably that…’ ha, wow, in retrospect i realize how implausible this dream of mine truly was: i am such a fool!! i will never be able to change my father, nor should i want or need to.. but then why do i constantly strive to do this!?! why?!?! it must be kuz i want him to be a better man.. more able to successfully live in modern society.. to maximize his happiness and life potential.. but what the fuck?!?! who am i to determine this for him.. so if i can accept that i cannot and should not change that, well that must mean my motives, entirely residing in my subconscious, are seeking to meet my own self-interest.. and well.. that ain’t right either.. so yeah, i dunno… but regardless, thus far, this has hardly been a holiday in the sense of a break filled with fun, silly and memorable activities… but rather a short segment of time in my life where i need not to goto work and where i constantly struggle to create a positive setting which will generate substantial and memorable events of my dad’s first attempt to enter my independent life.
two exciting events are quickly approaching, and today i started my preparations for both. the first is christmas. this year, i will be breaking tradition for the first time ever. i will be staying in vancouver, and as a result, i will be unable to attend the normal dinners at my grandparents and at my dad’s, and won’t be able to gather with all my friends for some customary festive cheer. now, i know i am going to regret this, kuz it is going to suck ass, when i am sitting here alone on new years.. but at least for christmas, i will be able to feed my dad some of my experimental free-range turkey, while i have some christmas music pumping in the background. (ohh btw my dad is coming to town for a pair of weeks later this month).
now on to the other exciting event… which is the federal election. ohh, how i just love federal politics!! the conservatives have already played all the big cards… shit we’re a week in to the campaign, and they have already played the GST card, which to be honest, totally took me by surprise.. this GST trick of theirs might actually turn out to be a wise move… since we all know (but somehow recently forgot) the broken liberal promise of killing the GST… (damn, wish i had my ‘red book’ here) anyways, when you tie this old (even retired) issue in with the sponsorship scandal, it truly does make a convincing argument that the liberals (or any government) cannot be trusted with all of these surpluses that have been happening year after year. way to go for the conservatives who have been able to take this positive outcome of the liberal leadership and spin it to make their own platform shine!! i love it!! canadian politics rules!! anyways, time to get serious here.. and to let you all know that the conservative campaign is starting to scare me, since it does in fact seem very well planned. they are constantly setting the pace, putting the election focus where they want it and as a result are getting the prime media coverage and possibly gaining popularity [poll check]… i hope my buddies jim, jack and paul, step it up a bit, and provide canadians with some quality bate so we don’t get distracted by all this conservative glitter.
ok, i am now officially convinced that i have a walking disorder of some sort.. kuz there is no way that the last 4 (possibly 5) pairs of shoes i have owned are all intrinsically defective – it must be me!! let me explain… today, since it was snowing here in vancouver, i quickly realized the soles of my shoes have yet again cracked right through… it’s not like my socks are visible from the bottom or anything yet.. but the cracks are indeed large enough to allow enough slush in to make both my feet uncomfortably cold and wet… i don’t know what i can do?!!? sure, i can buy new shoes again, possibly even more expensive ones, that are specifically designed to help people like me, but will it help? it seems that rationale didn’t really work for the pair before these, shit, those ones even came with a year warranty, which i actually went to the effort to utilize, only to have the replacement fail on me too… so what do i do, buy a new pair of cheap shoes, or go all-out? do other people experience this issue with their shoes too?!?! or do i, in fact, suffer from some kind of foot ailment!?!?
the new theme is now live again.. and it’s now more cross-browser friendly *hopefully*… everything is pretty much random… with the background image and individual post’s border, width and title-font changing upon each reload.. now, there are still some tweaks that are coming in the near future that will add just a few final touches…. but for now, all of you not using an RSS reader to read all this fine blog… please leave me some constructive feedback on design elements, flaws, and on any issues that you feel are due to your preferred browser… i aim to please, people!! (except of course if you fancy a static, boring weblog that doesn’t keep you guessing before and after each click!!)
so tonight, andrei and i went out for dinner and drinks with our old boss. she is in town for some business, so of course we had to make time to get together.. it was really good to see her and catch up on the many things that have happened to us over the past year.. i have always had a great admiration for her, as she has this unique ability to see the best in people and can somehow encourage people to bring it out.. she is also always willing to go above and beyond any expectations… and for all of this.. i respect and truly appreciate her and our friendship… cheers diane!
so this weekend was basically filled with nothing more than me filling every waking moment being a consumer.. and not just to stimulate our economy here or anything, but rather just to buy random shit to fill my apartment up.. you see, earlier this week i cleaned up and well, after the mess was removed.. it seemed so empty and dull.. so that’s why this weekend’s main mission was to gather some intentional clutter…. and now with all my new possessions, my place actually does feel a lot more cozier… mind you, i still do need a bunch of other junk.. but there is always umm.. the future, for that…
now, looking back i kinda wish i did something crazy this weekend, something to actually remember it by… sure i was a rebel when i ran across the santa claus parade, to catch to the bus… or when i took my time vacating my apartment when the fire alarm went off.. but i think i need to do more.. i think i need to do something with some greater influence and with some real consequences (and preferably something positive, since i am beyond that whole self-destructive teenage rebellion/angst thing)… maybe it’s the fact i am just becoming too civilized… this urban setting can only be damaging to my true essence… since it does nothing but try to beat out my innate manly instincts and recondition me to be this little perfect vancouverite… maybe the key is to be a ‘dick’ now and then, since this disrespect is probably the easiest and most visible way to demonstrate control over myself… but then again.. this must be reserved for the right situation, since if it is uncalled for, i will actually feel like a ‘dick’.. and well, that is not the goal here… the whole point is to be human.. and to feel ‘stuff’… sure, i can play the ‘nice’ card.. but that only comes across as me being phony, so there is no point.. i dunno… maybe i should just go shopping again and not worry about it…
so maybe it’s the bottle of wine i drank, or the mood i set in my apartment.. or the fact that i just want to share with him what i have done, what i have achieved, what i feel, and who i am… growing up, he shared all this with me.. yet really this was only possible, due to the curiosity (and determination) i had at a very young age.. this courage i had helped me stick through it.. and even though the road was initially rough… time did pass and the ‘municipality’ did finally decided to pave the road… now, mind you we can’t forget about the many, many, tear-filled, dramatic phone calls made to my mom… however, in the end, i was able to make it through it all… and well, the road got paved soon enough…
however, many years later.. i find myself sitting here and trying to realize how i have grown.. and if i have become the person i have always ways wanted to become…. and for the most part i have… sure… i am not a millionaire.. like i promised i’d be by the time i was eighteen.. but whatever.. the whole point is that i want him to understand who i am… and why i do what i do… i want him to feel for a moment who i am.. to truly understand what it took for me to get where i am.. and what i feel and experience on a daily basis.. i want to share this, not as a way to rub it in his face.. or to prove anything to him.. but rather.. just to say hey.. this is what i did.. and you’re a part of it.. kuz you indirectly made me who i am and helped pave the way.. i just want him to understand for one second… to hear, to feel, to experience the pace and the tone of my life… i want him to know this, totally and sincerely… so he can be proud.. and so he can pat himself on the back, and know he did well.. kuz i did!! i know this kinda sounds like i am treating myself as a reward.. or like i am some kind special creature for not being a deadbead… but it’s more that that… i just want make sure he understands…
it feels kinda weird for me to say this.. but tonight.. me just sitting here.. thinking about my dad… encouraged me to write about him on this level… mind you, he will never read this, but, it was still important to get this out…. damn you red wine… i hope he comes out west soon to try to see and experience my life.
UPDATE 2005-11-15:due to a couple wrong clicks, and magical powers of rss and pings, this post got out there, so i figure i might as well suck it up, live by the feelings i experienced, and re-publish this post for all to see.
well folks the time has come and while there are still a few moments left, i must sit here and get this post out. it does kinda suck that i am not in a totally narcissistic mood right now.. but i think i can pull together enough self-admiration to do this somewhat right… i guess i could even do a follow up on a later date… yeah, i’ll do that, but still, i should at least tell you what the hell i am talking about… and that is… drum roll please… today marks the commemoration of my first year of inhabitance in vancouver (aka my one year anniversary) – good work velkr0!
welcome to the newly rethemed velkr0.org.. this new design is a bit more stylish and funky… and does kool things like daily background image changes… and dragable menus that are transparent and float… but unfortunately there are still issues… like if yer using ie you probably don’t have any navigation right now.. so… $solution=’run out and buy yourself a mac’; .. and use safari… or be patient.. as i work out all the bugs…
update 2005-11-07 21:15: back to the old theme for now… the ie problems were just too much.. i should really get a windows box to test with.. naaa.. nevermind..
so ever since i have been back in vancouver.. i’ve been trying to develop ‘that relationship’, which you so often see on tv, with the girl at the coffee shop… but since i am normally very out of it in the morning and that people’s shifts tend change all the time… it’s been somewhat difficult.. however, enter the ‘grocery store’… it is normally a daily visit, there’s plenty of time to talk to the clerk, and you actually have something to talk about that you both know – the food yer buying! so anyways.. to make a long story short.. i found me a grocery store girl about 5 days ago.. and she has grown with me, through halloween, my creative meals of the past few nights and my great personality which always shines when i sign my name on that thermal credit card slip.. but of course.. today, with my most daring meal yet (fried chicken), she informs me that today is her last day.. and that i’ll have to go visit her at starbucks to tell her how the chicken turned out.. so i guess if you think about it… this could turn into the perfect little tv-like coffee shop scenario… but it won’t kuz well.. the one she is going to be working at is way to far away (in pedestrian terms).. so i guess i’ll just have to wait until tomorrow.. where the adventure to find the next kool grocery store girl begins..
btw.. the chicken.. proved to be more difficult that i thought.. however, rest assured, my smoke alarm does indeed work and that round two of the chicken.. was perfectly delicious….